All or Nothing

"We all know that Christ has, in effect, been eliminated from our lives. Of course, we build him a temple, but we live in our own houses. Christ has become a matter of the church or, rather, of the churchiness of a group, not a matter of life...

However, one thing is clear; we understand Christ only if we commit ourselves to him in a start "Either-Or." He did not go to the cross to ornament and embellish our life. If we wish to have him, then he demands the right to say something decisive about our entire life. We do not understand him if we arrange for him only a small compartment in our spiritual life. Rather, we understand our spiritual life only if we then orientate it to him alone or give him a flat, "No."... The religion of Christ is not a tidbit after one's bread; on the contrary, it is bread or it is nothing. People should at least understand and concede this if they call themselves Christian."

A Testament to Freedom: The Essential Writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer- 1928

I've noticed that our culture has quite a strange way of compartmentalizing life. We have a family box, a work box, a church box, a school box. Then we have boxes within those boxes. In the school box we have smaller boxes that contain science, then reading, then math, then "character education" (I can't say "character education without laughing"... are we serious that we made a box for this?!)

Perhaps our ability to isolate areas of our lives, to believe that one won't bleed into the other, is what leads us to the absurd notion that we can have our houses to ourselves and keep Christ in the temple.

If Bonhoeffer's words don't speak definitively and profoundly to the heart, his life should. A professor in Germany, he had multiple chances to keep quiet in his opposition to Hitler and chances to flee the country. He refused both, believing that only if he spoke truth and suffered with his people would he have a leg to stand on when it was time to rebuild Germany and share Christ with a broken country. He was executed after serving time in a concentration camp, shortly before Hitler committed suicide.

Lord, what parts of me beg to stay silent as to not create opposition? What parts of me attempt to flee? Is my expectation for Christ to 'ornament' my life or is He my life?

Jesus is clear to those wanting to follow him, "Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." (Mark 8:34). He challenges all to not look back or be held back but to "Follow me".

Perhaps we think "God so loved the world" therefore He must be tolerant of us just taking what we want of Him. He loves us so therefore He must understand us wanting a little piece of everything...surely He knows how hard true surrender is?

Yet if I applied this idea to the weak, human example of my marriage I know it is not true. Do I say "I love S. therefore I'll take what he's willing to give and let him farm out the rest of himself where the wind blows"? Absolutely not. Because I love S. it's all or nothing. He can choose intimacy and exclusivity with me. If he wants to compartmentalize our marriage then he gets none of me. It is not a compliment if he only takes part of the deal; it defiles me and the covenant of marriage.

How much more do I defile Christ and my covenant with Him if I select what I give to Him?

If we wish to have him, then he demands the right to say something decisive about our entire life.

I began this post merely to share the passage I read today. Yet, somehow I ended up tacking on plenty of my own reflections. Enough of that...enjoy the thoughts of Bonhoeffer- a man who lived out his contemplations even to death.

Manna & a Taste of Humble Pie

Early in my life I heard people say definitive things about their lives and then get "surprises" later. It caused me to try hard to not say definitive things that might cause me to eat my words later. For example, my Aunt Billie who always speaks with conviction and charisma, announced when she was young that she would not be a family woman with a station wagon. My dad always liked reminding her of her definitive words because she ended up driving not only a station wagon but later a large air-porter van to tote around her 23 children.

Recently I got a humble phone call from my "we're-definitely-done-having-kids" little brother saying he and his wife are expecting their third baby in the spring.

I tend to hold things fairly open handedly and have learned that my plans usually get rocked anyway. However, there was a moment when I said "I will never". It was a few years ago when we were visiting close friends from college. We were talking about non-profit evangelical organizations. They were asking if we would ever want to do something full-time a little unconventionally.

I answered, "We will never have a job where we have to ask friends for money or fundraise a salary." Then (gulp), "What are we? High school graduates who want to go to YWAM? We have a family to support and I don't want to be one more thing for people to feel guilted into donating to. I don't want to think every time I buy a coffee, 'is this really how I should spend Joel's money'? How awkward is that?!"

I didn't realize that I was about to get a dose of humble pie...until the friends we had that conversation with a few years ago were the first people to donate a monthly check to Big Oak.

As Big Oak has begun, we have not asked friends to donate. S. has mostly met with business people or others who have expressed interest in donating straight to the ministry. Yet voluntarily we have had dear friends send monetary support along with prayers. Big Oak's Open House was last week and I found myself in tears when I realized how many people (most of whom don't have extra money hanging around) gave something to propel the ministry. We watched a community come forward to help us network, give ideas or resources, bring cookies, and on and on. Every time I think all my pride must certainly be stripped...

S. and I have been able to do little aside from laugh when we walk into our kitchen this week. Someone wonderful made a trip to Costco for us last week and brought many of our favorite things. Two different people came with vegetables. (Looks like I'll have enough zucchini for bread until next summer!) I have nowhere to put some of this manna- and can I just say how thankful I am that this is not real manna? Really, zucchini, a Costco loaf of cheese, garden fresh onions, beef, pork... we're hardly eating drab bread every day!

My sister and I went down to Hillsboro for one day over the weekend to help our cousin pack up her house. The trip was intended to bless my cousin by working our tails off. However, she was emptying her pantry, loading us up with clothes for our 2 year old boys, and filling the back of my van with other things she didn't want to haul or store. On the way home Jasmine commented, "I think we made money on this trip. So much for being the ones going above and beyond."

I realized that in the past 2 months each of my kids has received hand-me-downs from unexpected friends. Someone snuck Safeway gift certificates into S.'s car (see...there is a good reason to leave doors unlocked!) When S. preached at MVCTK last weekend we were blessed with people praying over us, encouraging us, slipping a couple checks into S.'s pockets, and stockpiling our car with vegetables.

My Aunt Julie made a comment to me about how we as people always want to look for provision to come from the hand of man; a salary, benefits, a contract. Isn't it interesting that we believe that to be more secure than daily receiving from the hand of the Living God?

I'll chew on that...along with my zucchini and humble pie for dinner tonight.

Little nuts with dreams of growing into big trees

http://bigoaksite.com/BIGOAK/About.html

This is the link to the website and video that explains a little bit about our new ministry. S. had an Open House all week at his new office to show potential donors and friends the adventures we hope to do full-time. Take a look!

Customized Education

I'm spoiled. All week I've heard parents lamenting about watching their children disappear into classrooms and school buses while they stand at a loss. I don't have to do that this year. Darla is now a kindergartener and I get to be her teacher. I never thought about homeschooling even when I majored in Elementary Education...but here I am.

My sister and I came up with a term we like much better: "customized education". When you hear "customized education" I hope you hear what it's about- education. Having Darla home is not due to wanting to shelter her from a big, scary world. It's not an attempt to make her socially awkward or to shield her from anything aside from my hippie world view. It will not require her to only wear denim.

"Customized education" reflects my goal as a mom. I'm not pro-homeschool, pro-public school, or pro-private school. I am pro-picking-what-is-best-for-each-child. In my 17 years of formal education (including college and kindergarten) I attended 4 private schools, 3 public schools, and sort of homeschooled part of 5th grade. I also did teaching internships in both private and public schools and am now taking on the teaching-at-home endeavor.

My own experience coupled with conversations with experienced moms and a lot of prayer have led me to the "customized education" idea. In choosing schooling for my kids I want to consider what is best for them (the season of life, their giftings, desires, and personalities), what is best for our family, and what will give them the best education- specifically the tools and passion to always pursue learning. It will probably be different year to year, kid to kid, but that's why my goal is to be intentional and not default to what 'everyone' does.

I absolutely believe it is not up to a school district or government to educate my children. If I choose to delegate part of my job to them, fine. But ultimately I am accountable and responsible for my own. I cringe at what we require our schools to do that we as parents neglect implementing at home.

Like many things that I contemplate... I came to a point where I realize, "Eesh. Now this requires action." It all sounds noble and then comes time to put feet on it. Suddenly I'm cross eyed from looking at curriculum and trying to plan my days to not only maximize Darla's learning time but also to make it meaningful for my boys. I talk to friends who have time on their hands as their little ones are in school and I evaluate, "How strong are my convictions? Is it really that important that I do this?"

For this year and this daughter, I believe it is. Homeschooling is opening us up to be flexible in other areas. Darla is starting ballet and the school age program at Bible Study Fellowship. She can get class time for all sorts of creative projects and the district will even pay for us to visit the zoo! To add to the fun, Darla's cousin Pearl is home schooled in 1st grade this year. They get to do some classwork, ballet, and Bible Study Fellowship together.

Yesterday was the first day of ballet. Darla counted down the hours all day long and was giggly, giddy on the drive there.

When I picked her up I said, "I want to hear everything. Was it all you expected?"

"It was even WAY funner than I thought it would be, Mom. It was probably the funnest thing ever."

(Mental note: teach Darla that "funner" is not a real word.)

She's been practicing 'first position' and 'second position' quite seriously in front of a mirror and this morning did her 'stretches'.

One of her first assignments this week is to make a calendar. Instead of asking me every 10 minutes when she can go to ballet again, she can refer to her calendar. See how handy this homeschooling thing can be?