The vortex of invisibility

I kicked this week off with a long, self-pitying sigh. S. is working hard on Big Oak; a ministry that involves mentoring/training leaders and youth pastors, speaking, evangelism, events & resources. We have yet to raise enough money for a salary. A realtor showed our house twice to a family who is very interested. However, that was 2 weeks ago and no decision has been made. Our foster licensing got held up and is now a month late. I've tried twice to contact the person in the district that can answer my questions about a stipend program when I start homeschooling Darla next month. No answer and the paperwork was supposed to be in last week.

I was lamenting to S. that I feel right now as though I'm in one of those dreams where you jump up and down to get someone's attention. All the while life goes on around you. People are laughing, talking, living, while you yell and no sound comes out. S. laughed at my analogy (I was laughing, too but mine was the "I-better-laugh-or-I-will-cry" type.) He acknowledged, "This is totally crazy, huh?" Things simply seem to interfere with "the next step" in every area of our lives.

My husband is not much for worrying. In fact, he sometimes gets giddy to be able to throw up his hands and wait for God to do something extraordinary. I wouldn't say I felt worry this week. I would say I felt exhausted and beyond ready for the next step in our lives.

Then I got an e mail from a cousin who completely understands my circumstances and me. The line in her e mail that stopped me was,

But isn't it sad that even though our needs are being met in miraculous ways I am still waiting for God to do it in my way?

Bingo. Am I really right back at that place of being like a whiny Israelite who is watching bread fall from the sky? Just wishing it would rain something tastier? I am. I am a weak, tired, whiny person.

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalm 138:3

Later in this Psalm David says, "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me; you will stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands." Psalm 138:7,8

I recognize that when the Lord "perfects that which concerns me", it might have very little to do with making my life easy (or even bearable). It may have little to do with the superficial answers I want. It may have much to do with being transformed into being like Christ. It may have to do with surrender and hearing the voice of God.

God isn't fooled by the vortex of invisibility. This week someone dropped off a bunch of produce at our door. Two weeks ago S. went to get an oil change. Apparently someone driving by saw his car in line, went into the shop and paid for our oil change. We picked up an extra camp to speak at this month and got paid a little extra. He is answering...even if it's not the way I want.

Once again I pray that I will look back at this season of my life and be able to say, "It wasn't done 'my way' but WOW! Bread was FALLING from the SKY! How amazing was that?!"